heigh ho heigh ho

it’s back to work I go!!!

So I had my first official day of work today and I think it went well. It was mostly what I was expecting, and I am pretty happy to be working with some really good people. I realized that I haven’t worked for anyone I knew prior to working for them, with one notable exception of a part-time retail job in college at a small Christian bookstore where my mom had worked many years before me. That didn’t really count though because it wasn’t like I was friends with the owner. This time I am friends with the owners and I am friends with my brother who works there as well. We’re all just very friendly.  Chris, one of the owners/friends, took a pic of me with his blackberry as I answered the phone first thing this morning, and said “Here’s your first official act.”

i love ya tomorrow

I know someone who lives by the mantra of never caring about tomorrow. “Tomorrow is another day” he would always say. There was a real peacefulness about this, because he saw each new day as a challenge – a puzzle to be put together and completed only as far as the day allows. Tomorrow will have new pieces and a new puzzle to complete. One day at a time. And yes the guy had been a recovering addict.

The point though, I think, is that each day has its own set of questions to be answered and whatever isn’t answered will still be there tomorrow. I try not to worry, but there is, as with everything, a balance. Being flippant and completely carefree (usually interpreted as careLESS) is not usually the best way to get through either, and only leaves some hard work and sometimes heartache for the future. Being completely unprepared for what may be coming up seems like a hectic way to live, and I’ve seen those people break down in really epic ways. I’ll be the first to admit that I take a look at my calendar on a daily basis and try to make sure that things are fitting together like they should and I have my ducks in something resembling a row.

It’s a fine line, and I try to figure out the balance each day. I think that’s the point. So today, I am closing up some gaps and tying up loose ends and yada yada. I am trying to get rid of some things and reprioritize other things. All while searching high and low for the perfect hairstyle. because the hair has GOT to go!!!

If you would like to say goodbye to my hair, please do so now…

tongue tied

lately I’ve felt like I have absolutely nothing to say. or type for that matter. there are days I feel that everything I say has been said a million times before, everything I’ve thought has been thunked before, every idea and project I undertake has been undertaken before, and what’s it all worth really in the end? that whole “you are not special. you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake” mentality. and you are not your khakis.

I have no delusions of grandeur. I don’t sit around plotting to take over the world. I don’t play elaborate, lengthy rounds of Risk or Diplomacy. I don’t find myself dreaming up ways to become rich, famous, or octomom.

But sometimes, you just want to matter. A lot. And at the end of the day, that’s a good thing.

One thing I’ve been accused of in the past, by people who were less than appreciative, is that I’m ambitious. I’m the kind of person who likes to have 4 or 5 irons in the fire (or whatever that expression is) and be involved in all kinds of things. But I’m also an idea person and once something gets underway and rolling, I want to hand it off to a capable person, and move on.

Problem is no one will ever care about my project the way I do, and even if they do care enough, they may not be capable. Or maybe I just find it hard to let go of things because I feel so intrinsically responsible for its success that I feel I have disappointed myself and others if I do in fact move on to something else. When I’m not involved in something any more, I get a little weepy.

All this to say, that I am trying to get some other irons in the fire but there are things I can’t let go of. And I can’t handle it all. And I’m burning out. And I am totally unsure what to do about it. And I sit around waiting for handwriting on the wall. While I play another round of Axis and Allies.

just kidding.