learning to curve

So in any new job there is a bit of a learning curve. I know this. And I have gone into new industries and new environments many times before. That said, I feel like this one has been my most challenging yet. For so many reasons – engineering jargon being one of the more predominant ones. I just feel like things take me twice as long to do because I am not sure of myself and then I feel guilty that it took so long and then I get insecure and feel less sure of myself when I inevitably mess something up the first time. I am not one to tuck my tail and whimper, but at times I’ve felt like knocking my head, ever so gently mind you, against a concrete wall. As long as the concrete is not cracking due to drainage issues or lack of steel reinforcement bars. Hey now that I’m at a structural engineering firm, I have to think of these things.

I have to admit that there is a certain amount of enjoyment in some of the things I’m doing. Stuff I’ve always wanted to do but just never had a job that called for it really, or there was someone else doing it and I would have been stepping on toes. I wouldn’t have taken the job if I felt that most of my interests and skills wouldn’t be used and I think that both bosses knew this and are letting me do some fun stuff too.  Life can’t all be fun though and I am super fine with having a job that’s challenging and takes me out of my comfort zone a bit. I can’t know EVERYthing and be brilliant all the time. Once a year is about my quota.

Meanwhile, some other things in my life have taken a backseat for now until I get into a better groove. Like taking that blasted eHarmony quiz… I’d rather answer questions about EIFS and rebar. Ok not really. But that personality profile test is scary yo. or maybe it’s just my fear of having yet another place to be rejected. le sigh.

-insert sorry for myself emoticon here-

tongue tied

lately I’ve felt like I have absolutely nothing to say. or type for that matter. there are days I feel that everything I say has been said a million times before, everything I’ve thought has been thunked before, every idea and project I undertake has been undertaken before, and what’s it all worth really in the end? that whole “you are not special. you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake” mentality. and you are not your khakis.

I have no delusions of grandeur. I don’t sit around plotting to take over the world. I don’t play elaborate, lengthy rounds of Risk or Diplomacy. I don’t find myself dreaming up ways to become rich, famous, or octomom.

But sometimes, you just want to matter. A lot. And at the end of the day, that’s a good thing.

One thing I’ve been accused of in the past, by people who were less than appreciative, is that I’m ambitious. I’m the kind of person who likes to have 4 or 5 irons in the fire (or whatever that expression is) and be involved in all kinds of things. But I’m also an idea person and once something gets underway and rolling, I want to hand it off to a capable person, and move on.

Problem is no one will ever care about my project the way I do, and even if they do care enough, they may not be capable. Or maybe I just find it hard to let go of things because I feel so intrinsically responsible for its success that I feel I have disappointed myself and others if I do in fact move on to something else. When I’m not involved in something any more, I get a little weepy.

All this to say, that I am trying to get some other irons in the fire but there are things I can’t let go of. And I can’t handle it all. And I’m burning out. And I am totally unsure what to do about it. And I sit around waiting for handwriting on the wall. While I play another round of Axis and Allies.

just kidding.

living where you work and play

I was listening to a friend’s guest appearance on a radio show and one of the guests said something like, “I love living where I work and eat and everything.”  It’s one of those statements that just get thrown out there, like yeah, that’s cool. Saves on gas too.

And then I remember a conversation I once had with someone about carpools and how people dont do it because they’re selfish and that people commute long distances because they’re greedy and they shop at Walmart because they’re cheap. The thing is that the small one-stop town is long gone. People don’t buy local. They buy in bulk. They get cheap knick knacks from the Dollar Store and their meats from Costco. People go to Starbucks because they have a drive-thru and no one walks any where, much less actually get out of their cars to get a frappe.

I think I’m just being a little bitter because I can’t find a job within a 20 mile radius and took one that is over an hour away but wont pay me enough to rent a place closer or really even pay for gas back and forth. So I’m reevaluating what I could be doing for that amount of money and trying to not freak out. I really have gotten myself into a big mess and personally, I have no idea how to get out of it.

So in this economy, we are forced to throw our nets wider and farther, and I’m back to looking in areas that I have no real lasting interest in, just to pay the bills and maybe a bankruptcy lawyer. So we’re back to not really truly investing in our local areas and we try to piece everything about our lives together in some elaborate quilt-like way. And we dont even care if the patterns match up. Sometimes there’s beauty in that. Sometimes it’s just a big royal mess.

“I was just nowhere near your neighborhood.”