life, liberty, and the pursuit of sushi June 29, 2009

my heart is broken!!!

ok not really. no cause for alarm. but i was reminded the other day about a time when it was. or at least i felt like my heart had been mashed to a bloody pulp and it was a hardship to breathe correctly. it took everything i had in me to muster up the courage to face the day, alone, and in silent desperation. what’s so beautiful about that is the fact that i can say it all in the past tense. and that’s the beauty of every emotion, good and bad; we live through and look back. it is the human experience and it makes life so interesting.

i started thinking about emotions because i was in a lighthouse in virginia beach where people had stupidly etched into the glass windows their names and hearts and dates and ridiculous things like that. at first it made me mad, and then i started thinking about it. how permanent, or at least close to it, is that? the cynic in me wondered how many of those couples represented by the heart-enclosed initials were still feeling the same way today? or even if they were still together how many of them felt the same passion and giddiness that caused them to capture that feeling in time? enough to ruin a perfectly good glass panel?

on the down side of my thoughts, i realized how closed off i’ve become over the years. in the past couple years since moving to virginia, i have only let my guard down with one person and actually allowed myself the frivolity of dreaming about a life somewhere riding off into the sunset. maybe it was sabotage (i can’t stand it! i know you planned it!) or maybe it was a case of bad timing and bad intentions and bad sushi. i have no idea. but looking back, i know it all happened the way it had to and here we are, hopefully better for it, but only time will tell.

time. it’s all we have and it’s enough. maybe. i seem to run out of it on a daily basis. but when i lie down at night, i dont have the whispering demons telling me what a mess i’ve made of it, and my heart is at peace. i wouldnt trade that for the world. or the best sushi on earth.

a lifetime supply of the best sushi on earth… well, then we’ll talk…

love and cabbage March 31, 2009

I love watching couples interact with each other. I love people watching in general and can do it all day. But couples particularly are really interesting to me. I like to try to read nonverbal and verbal cues, the way they touch or don’t touch. The way they tell a story together or how one completely shuts down when the other starts talking. I’ve seen couples who have been together for under a year totally rip into each other, playfully they would add in their defense, but with strands of truth mixed in, as most playful teasing has in it.

But what I love most is to see couples who respect the stuffing out of each other. It’s rare actually – a lot rarer than we single folk would like to believe. There are many very pleasant couples out there, very much “in love” and in mostly healthy relationships. But what I really find more beautiful than anything else, is respect. Deep profound awe and admiration for everything the other person stands for, believes in, who that person is and who s/he will be.

I once had a long and rather painful conversation with someone who was desperately trying to win me back into his life which included, but was not limited to, selling his house, moving across the country, and marrying me. I could have offered five reasons, off the top of my head, why this was an insanely bad idea and I had the sneaking suspicion that he knew all the reasons and just needed to hear someone, at this point me, tell him as much. out loud.

For me, one of the loudest reasons was a lack of mutual respect. Our playful teasing of each other bordered too precariously on hurtful. Our arguments were filled with jealousy and mistrust. And we never bragged about each other to our friends. In fact, our friends barely knew “we” existed at all.

There was a significant chunk of my adult life when I didn’t even believe in marriage as a concept and I would inevitably push away any one who dared tread that road with me in tow. But now that I am less adamant about marriage being evil, I feel less ready than ever.

It’s one of those things that we do as singles – take stock of “what’s wrong with me” and hold that up to a magnifying glass. And some people are really good at marketing and thinking what a great catch they are, most likely a result of an aggressive defense mechanism. I’m not one of those people. I feel like on paper I am a total mess. Like on a mannequin, that dress looks ok, but try one on in the fitting room and not even that wacked out funhouse mirror that makes you look 20 pounds lighter will help. 

Self-deprecation aside, I do believe that people need to be single. I really do. There is something that happens when you are alone, sans significant other, that won’t happen at any other time of your life. You do take stock and hopefully you come out the other end better than before and ready to conquer the world.  Or at least balance your checking account and have really clean hair.

To be totally honest, maybe I feel like I have to solve all my problems before I can commit to someone else. Maybe that’s all wrong for all the right reasons, if you know what I mean. I dont want to fix anyone else – I’ve spent quite a lot of my life trying to do that. Some of my relationships bordered on codependency and crossed unhealthy boundaries. I always tended to go for the guy that I thought “needed” me most. And for all my experience in life, I always feel like I have to be the one to save everyone who crosses my path. Save the cheerleader. Save the world, ya dig?

But I’m not a savior, or “the” savior obviously. There are things about being a single Christian woman that complicate matters. We are told we’re supposed to be wives, like that’s our calling in life as women. You can’t really deny that the Bible really does seem to back that up and that women are very much the role of wife and mother over and over again. So when I say things like I’m not sure I even should get married, Christian friends are quick to jump up on me with “but you should” and that’s what you’re made to be and stuff like that. I have yet to meet a single woman who isn’t on Match or Eharmony or in a singles ministry or somesuch. I cant even count the number of times friends have said something like “I was made to take care of someone else.” I guess I’m just not the nurturing type. Maybe I’m not actually a woman at all.  Maybe I’m a robot with AI. Maybe I will join the robot revolution and kill John Connor.

I was actually told that I’m really selfish. Not exactly straight up like that, but pretty much. It had something to do with having my own agenda and always being “too” busy and eventually came out to be emotionally unavailable. Isn’t that what guys are always accused of? Dude, I’m telling you. She’s a man, man.

Oh I don’t know. I like to think that whatever I do have to offer, I am actually giving out to people in my life. right now. Whatever capacity I have to love, I use up on people I do actually love. Whatever acts of kindness I can pull off, I try to. Whenever I verge on feeling lonely and empty, I try to do something for someone who is lonelier and emptier than me. And in this way, maybe I really am kinda selfish in that I just dont want to have much left over to give.

And at the end of the day, I guess I just want someone else to respect everything I do and am and want to be. But first, I have to respect me too. And that’s the sticking point. I’ve never really respected myself before. I’ll admit that much freely. So ended up with the guy who made fun of me in front of his friends. The guy who only talked and never listened. The guy who only called me around 2 am to “hang out.” The guy who didn’t even know my last name for 3 months.  I’ve walked back and forth across that line between woman as helper – servant – doormat to ally – partner – equal. It was a fuzzy line but it’s getting clearer all the time.

Btw, this post had absolutely nothing to do with cabbage.

and the oscar goes to … February 23, 2009

I don’t mean to write about celebrities ever, but it happens once every few months. I caught the end of the Oscars last nite – the part with the best actress and best actor. It was nicely done and just the right amount of butt-kissing without going too far into sentimental swamp territory. I would like to state for the record that I still think it’s slightly discouraging after all this time they still havent changed up the order of men vs. women categories as if best actor is slightly more of a build up to best picture. it’s subtle, but it’s there. seriously, academy, can you just one year switch the order? maybe you can alternate each year. I’m surprised no one has said anything about this publicly?

anyway, that’s not the topic of this blog. no, this blog is about being 2nd best. or not. I was thinking about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Actually, I was thinking about Jennifer Aniston more. At one point they had shown Brad and Angelina and then cut to the person speaking, I think it was Steven Spielberg at the time, and then to Jennifer. This sent me down a little path I call speculation Street. I thought about how it must sting, even a little bit and after all this time, for Ms Aniston. I suppose that’s one of the many downsides to being a celeb, other than having to hide away in one your many multi-million dollar homes somewhere in the world to avoid prying eyes. Yeah that really must suck for yall.

But really, it’s bad enough to be rejected, but to have to see your ex with his new love splashed every where every day for years on end. And then for both of them to be front and center at a major awards show and they are both up for the big kahuna the same year. It would just about do me in. But that’s just me maybe. maybe I’m sensitive about losing and not being good enough and not feeling like I am someone else’s sun moon and stars any more. Well, Jennifer does have Mr John Mayer who I personally would take in a blink of an eye over Brad. But that’s not the point really. Or is it? Maybe there is some kind of working out of these things that hurts like hell at the time but sorts out all in all.

A friend recently was talking about breaking up with a girlfriend and how he was thinking about how you really know when this is “the one” and all that. another friend of ours had given the advice to never settle for 2nd best. But i know many who have gotten into trouble getting into relationships with the one who they thought was basically the best they could do. I have no idea how you can just know this is it. In every relationship I have always felt like there will be someone better or smarter or funnier or more interesting or more talented or better looking or whatever whatever. you can always play the upgrade game. Like computers – as soon as you get the best available, they go and announce something even more incredible and yours is obsolete in a year and you just want to blow it up with explosives in a deserted stretch of I 64. Ok, not a good analogy.

In keeping with the Oscar metaphor, I suppose it’s nice to be nominated and all, but it still has to hurt a wee bit to not go home with a trophy. You start second guessing yourself and comparing to everyone else in the running. It can be this endless game of rejection v defense mechanism, making excuses or pumping yourself up to do better next time. In the context of love and rejection, we do this, shifting from blaming “him” to me and back to him again, going from feeling this generally demented sense that there is something intrinsically wrong with me to thinking all men are jackasses. Somewhere in between is probably true.

Anyway, I suppose I’m going to have to see Slumdog Millionaire to see what the hype is all about. It still doesn’t seem like a flick I’d really be interested in, but I do like to see movies about other countries and cultures, however corrupted by Hollywood, come to the forefront. it’s so easy to forget there are other worlds out there. Especially when you are so busy feeling sorry for yourself because no one will date you.