eharmonizing

so i’m pretty sure if you feel compelled to lie on the eharmony survey that you’re just not ready for a relationship. i’m just guessing on that. but seriously, it took me nearly a year to actually finish the dumb thing and though i wasn’t particularly overanalyzing every word like *some* people i know (names held to protect the guilty as heck) i was trying to put some thought into it and resist the urge to click away all willy nilly. chilly willy?

trick is that people are incredibly SUBjective and it’s all relative. like if i check “somewhat” for “don’t have too much concern for looks” – what EXACTLY does that mean? and yes, i realize that the matrix of these types of things takes everything into account on how you answer as a whole so in theory everything balances out. i know enough to take these things with a grain of salt, but sometimes it’s really tough to see yourself in writing and narrow down what you really want in 250 characters.

so, i didnt even finish filling in all the profile stuff when i started getting matches from people. i find that odd. but i guess that’s the way the system works. i havent put up any pics because i’m so noncomittal. even though i have several (meaning 6-7 of them) friends, with my best interest at heart of course, pressuring me to do this. i was half hoping that eharmony would reject me and tell me i am way too wacked out to date. i suppose i could just write that in the about me section. you know, “sell crazy some place else – we’re all stocked up here.”

i’ve had exes tell me i’m a great girlfriend which begs the obvious question. which reminds me, once upon a time i had an idea of having a dating website that had “references” – like other people should be able to rate your dateability. then that website for girls to post warnings about guys came out – which was a hoot – but not particularly safe or helpful. just cuz you dont hit it off with someone doesnt make them a total loser. it might, but not necessarily. it may actually make you a loser.

at the end of the day though i still stand by the fact that i’ll meet who i’m supposed to meet when i’m supposed to meet him. i kinda feel like i meet really great people all the time – just at the wrong time or in the wrong frame of mind. that rhymes and i’m so using it in a song. you know, if i ever write a country song. (i wrote “i’m using it in a sentence” at first just now – duh. i DID just use it in a sentence.)

see, i’m too scatterbrained to date.

on the other side of this, i kinda feel like i know what i want, but if i wrote out a list it would appear really superficial and narrowminded. actually it wouldnt just “appear” that way – it IS that way. and i’m ok with that. could very well be why i’m single. i have to laugh because i was talking to friends about my singlehood recently and i said something like i am single because i’m really picky to which one replied something like, I dont see you as picky, I see you as having really high standards. i think it’s semantics. saying “high standards” makes me feel better about being a snobby b****.

now it isn’t so much that i think i’m ALL THAT, cuz i dont. i’m terribly insecure at times, though i do realize we all are, and i feel that there are so many areas of my life which are totally chaotic and need more work and attention. i fully accept my shortcomings (and shortleggings) and maybe in part that’s also why i dont date because i dont necessarily want to be reminded of how lame i can really be. i mean if i met the most amazing person tomorrow, i would run away like the wind because i dont want to screw up his life.

otoh, i have certain things that i know i must have in order for anything to work out, and i just really havent met that person yet. i thought i did last year, but i don’t think it was mutual (which apparently is mandatory) and while he had so many of the qualities i thought i wanted, i kind of did my usual run away routine. it’s a vicious cycle i tell ya.

so here i am, 35 almost 36 and even further away from getting married than i was at 25 turning 26. in fact, i was kinda engaged then. so there you have it. regression is fun.

God help my eharmony matches!!! i suppose sending them this blog link is not the best way to market myself… date me and you’ll get to costar on wordpress! woo hoo!

hmmmm i smell a new reality show. i’m sure it’s been done before.

a dangling conversation

him: so you dont want a boyfriend?
me: would you consider someone part-time? maybe flex hours? how about work from home?
him: are you kidding me? i’m already calling this online chat a “date!”
me: so this is billable time?
him: and you wonder why you’re single.
me: dude, i dont wonder.

There really is no question in my mind why I’ve been single so long. I am selfish. It’s harsh but true. I could give you several references, though somewhat varied in respectability levels, that will attest to my inability to commit and to do what it takes to make a real relationship work. In the past, I would always point out that it was due to my actual lack of interest or ever-increasing concerns about the person I was with, but in the end it amounted to the same thing – I wasn’t ready.

A good male friend of mine insisted that I “should” be and I just laughed. Like there is this cut-off that I am getting dangerously close to, like the last passenger on the titanic without a life jacket or piece of wood to float on. If I’m gonna go down with the ship, I’d rather be one of those musicians on the deck playing music til the bitter end. But I really dont see being single as so disastrous as all that.

So in the meantime, speaking of music, I’m trying to put together an open mic. I want to call it “A Case of the Mondays” and have it on ummm Mondays.  I have no idea who will turn out but I think I will have fun at least. Worse case, it’s just me and Blue Js and we’ll get some practice time in.

Oh, so I am leaning toward the band name “The Blue Js” with a possible runner up of “The J Notes.” I can’t decide. Ask me in a week. It’ll probably change…

love and cabbage

I love watching couples interact with each other. I love people watching in general and can do it all day. But couples particularly are really interesting to me. I like to try to read nonverbal and verbal cues, the way they touch or don’t touch. The way they tell a story together or how one completely shuts down when the other starts talking. I’ve seen couples who have been together for under a year totally rip into each other, playfully they would add in their defense, but with strands of truth mixed in, as most playful teasing has in it.

But what I love most is to see couples who respect the stuffing out of each other. It’s rare actually – a lot rarer than we single folk would like to believe. There are many very pleasant couples out there, very much “in love” and in mostly healthy relationships. But what I really find more beautiful than anything else, is respect. Deep profound awe and admiration for everything the other person stands for, believes in, who that person is and who s/he will be.

I once had a long and rather painful conversation with someone who was desperately trying to win me back into his life which included, but was not limited to, selling his house, moving across the country, and marrying me. I could have offered five reasons, off the top of my head, why this was an insanely bad idea and I had the sneaking suspicion that he knew all the reasons and just needed to hear someone, at this point me, tell him as much. out loud.

For me, one of the loudest reasons was a lack of mutual respect. Our playful teasing of each other bordered too precariously on hurtful. Our arguments were filled with jealousy and mistrust. And we never bragged about each other to our friends. In fact, our friends barely knew “we” existed at all.

There was a significant chunk of my adult life when I didn’t even believe in marriage as a concept and I would inevitably push away any one who dared tread that road with me in tow. But now that I am less adamant about marriage being evil, I feel less ready than ever.

It’s one of those things that we do as singles – take stock of “what’s wrong with me” and hold that up to a magnifying glass. And some people are really good at marketing and thinking what a great catch they are, most likely a result of an aggressive defense mechanism. I’m not one of those people. I feel like on paper I am a total mess. Like on a mannequin, that dress looks ok, but try one on in the fitting room and not even that wacked out funhouse mirror that makes you look 20 pounds lighter will help. 

Self-deprecation aside, I do believe that people need to be single. I really do. There is something that happens when you are alone, sans significant other, that won’t happen at any other time of your life. You do take stock and hopefully you come out the other end better than before and ready to conquer the world.  Or at least balance your checking account and have really clean hair.

To be totally honest, maybe I feel like I have to solve all my problems before I can commit to someone else. Maybe that’s all wrong for all the right reasons, if you know what I mean. I dont want to fix anyone else – I’ve spent quite a lot of my life trying to do that. Some of my relationships bordered on codependency and crossed unhealthy boundaries. I always tended to go for the guy that I thought “needed” me most. And for all my experience in life, I always feel like I have to be the one to save everyone who crosses my path. Save the cheerleader. Save the world, ya dig?

But I’m not a savior, or “the” savior obviously. There are things about being a single Christian woman that complicate matters. We are told we’re supposed to be wives, like that’s our calling in life as women. You can’t really deny that the Bible really does seem to back that up and that women are very much the role of wife and mother over and over again. So when I say things like I’m not sure I even should get married, Christian friends are quick to jump up on me with “but you should” and that’s what you’re made to be and stuff like that. I have yet to meet a single woman who isn’t on Match or Eharmony or in a singles ministry or somesuch. I cant even count the number of times friends have said something like “I was made to take care of someone else.” I guess I’m just not the nurturing type. Maybe I’m not actually a woman at all.  Maybe I’m a robot with AI. Maybe I will join the robot revolution and kill John Connor.

I was actually told that I’m really selfish. Not exactly straight up like that, but pretty much. It had something to do with having my own agenda and always being “too” busy and eventually came out to be emotionally unavailable. Isn’t that what guys are always accused of? Dude, I’m telling you. She’s a man, man.

Oh I don’t know. I like to think that whatever I do have to offer, I am actually giving out to people in my life. right now. Whatever capacity I have to love, I use up on people I do actually love. Whatever acts of kindness I can pull off, I try to. Whenever I verge on feeling lonely and empty, I try to do something for someone who is lonelier and emptier than me. And in this way, maybe I really am kinda selfish in that I just dont want to have much left over to give.

And at the end of the day, I guess I just want someone else to respect everything I do and am and want to be. But first, I have to respect me too. And that’s the sticking point. I’ve never really respected myself before. I’ll admit that much freely. So ended up with the guy who made fun of me in front of his friends. The guy who only talked and never listened. The guy who only called me around 2 am to “hang out.” The guy who didn’t even know my last name for 3 months.  I’ve walked back and forth across that line between woman as helper – servant – doormat to ally – partner – equal. It was a fuzzy line but it’s getting clearer all the time.

Btw, this post had absolutely nothing to do with cabbage.