I have felt like a fraud on some level for most of my life. When I was a kid, being the fairly observant person I was, I knew intrinsically that something was different about my family.
Exhibit A: my brothers and me
To this day, when people meet me, we tend to start down the road of where are you from, and I think, as in where did I grow up or where am I from from? It really is a crapshoot of what they are really asking and 5 out 10 times they want to hear Korea, Japan, China, San Francisco or whatever.
As an adult, I tend to plunge head first into the questions – no my last name is not my married name. Yes I’m adopted. No I didnt grow up in a very traditional home in the asian sense. Yes I can see when I smile. I also have found that people try hardest to be tactful when they are asking the most impertinent questions and I look right through that to the heart of the matter. They are ignorant. And that’s ok. You are ignorant until you are not. Think about that for a minute.
In the meantime, as I’ve gotten involved in various relationships with men who shall not be named, I have discovered that there are two types of guys. The guys who want the girl who looks asian but is basically white, and the guys who want the FOBs (that’s fresh off the boat, forthose wondering). I have been turned down on more than one occasion for “not being Korean” (that’s a direct quote) and even though I do tend to laugh behind my hand, I have yet to master subservience.
(Don’t let that blow your mind)
In yet another area of my life, I have discovered a new way of being a fraud. This one however is nothing to ponder at all. I can easily say I am a good ten years younger than I am without anyone batting an eyelash. This past weekend I had the privilege of playing accompaniment for a choir. I took literally dozens of questions about where I’m going to school, comments about people “my age” and random blind date attempts with eligible young men. (I also get hit on by boys in high school who think they’re hitting on an older woman, but they have no idea. most recently a guy at a coffee shop who asked if I had a car.)
I am not complaining about this in any way. I look younger than I am. Woo hoo. What it does though is make me think, well gee whiz, what HAVE I been doing with all my life? I am solidly an adult and I have yet to grow up. I feel in some ways that it would be great to move somewhere where no one knows me and just tell people I am 26 and reload the last 10 years. And if’n I knew a guy who might could get me a jiggered up license and/or social security card, I reckon I woulda by now.
And then I would really know what fraud is.
5 responses so far ↓
Judi // October 26, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I think we all feel like frauds for different reasons. I will say that some of my all-time favorite people have said they feel like frauds. I personally think you’re one of the most genuine people I’ve ever known <3
Terra // October 26, 2009 at 6:19 pm
I feel like a fraud. My childhood is something very few people know about. I haven’t lied about it, but I don’t think very many people would look at myself or my family the same.
And, I agree with Judi. You’re one of the most genuine people I have ever met.
mondogarage // October 26, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Laugh behind your hand…and then smack him with the backside of it. I don’t know Judi and I barely know Terra, but they are very wise…you are genuine of soul, and that’s all the “real” you ever really need to be, because the rest all stems and grows from that.
Titus // October 26, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Robin, so your book is differant than what is in it. Book covers are great, covers up rough edges and lets people see the cover how you want them to see it. Some people see me, who knows what they think of me? But one thing thaey don’t see is a child that was beat-up by his dad every other day. Broke an arm, and had to tell the doctor and my friends at school “I fell off the ladder in the garage”. My dad busted my lip open once cause my brother got a “C” in math. I should have studied with my little brother then huh? Know adays I lie about my oldest daughter. I adopted her as my own and have taken care of her everytime she needs me. My lie “I never tell people she’s adopted” because to me she’s mine, and she likes it better that way. It hurts me when she talks about finding her real dad. But she don’t know that. And normaly I tell her everything. From the outside you all see “Me” not all them things I keep hiden. I’m such a go-lucky guy, right. I did make my stand with God and I learned to be humble to my past history and humble to the people of what they think of me. You ought to try. Be humble to the world around. The next nice person, or angry person, pervert, criminal, cute guy they all have a history, and so do you. I like you for you. Just keep smiling.
Saint Facetious // October 27, 2009 at 2:53 am
Wait what?! You can see when you smile?!