eharmonizing

so i’m pretty sure if you feel compelled to lie on the eharmony survey that you’re just not ready for a relationship. i’m just guessing on that. but seriously, it took me nearly a year to actually finish the dumb thing and though i wasn’t particularly overanalyzing every word like *some* people i know (names held to protect the guilty as heck) i was trying to put some thought into it and resist the urge to click away all willy nilly. chilly willy?

trick is that people are incredibly SUBjective and it’s all relative. like if i check “somewhat” for “don’t have too much concern for looks” – what EXACTLY does that mean? and yes, i realize that the matrix of these types of things takes everything into account on how you answer as a whole so in theory everything balances out. i know enough to take these things with a grain of salt, but sometimes it’s really tough to see yourself in writing and narrow down what you really want in 250 characters.

so, i didnt even finish filling in all the profile stuff when i started getting matches from people. i find that odd. but i guess that’s the way the system works. i havent put up any pics because i’m so noncomittal. even though i have several (meaning 6-7 of them) friends, with my best interest at heart of course, pressuring me to do this. i was half hoping that eharmony would reject me and tell me i am way too wacked out to date. i suppose i could just write that in the about me section. you know, “sell crazy some place else – we’re all stocked up here.”

i’ve had exes tell me i’m a great girlfriend which begs the obvious question. which reminds me, once upon a time i had an idea of having a dating website that had “references” – like other people should be able to rate your dateability. then that website for girls to post warnings about guys came out – which was a hoot – but not particularly safe or helpful. just cuz you dont hit it off with someone doesnt make them a total loser. it might, but not necessarily. it may actually make you a loser.

at the end of the day though i still stand by the fact that i’ll meet who i’m supposed to meet when i’m supposed to meet him. i kinda feel like i meet really great people all the time – just at the wrong time or in the wrong frame of mind. that rhymes and i’m so using it in a song. you know, if i ever write a country song. (i wrote “i’m using it in a sentence” at first just now – duh. i DID just use it in a sentence.)

see, i’m too scatterbrained to date.

on the other side of this, i kinda feel like i know what i want, but if i wrote out a list it would appear really superficial and narrowminded. actually it wouldnt just “appear” that way – it IS that way. and i’m ok with that. could very well be why i’m single. i have to laugh because i was talking to friends about my singlehood recently and i said something like i am single because i’m really picky to which one replied something like, I dont see you as picky, I see you as having really high standards. i think it’s semantics. saying “high standards” makes me feel better about being a snobby b****.

now it isn’t so much that i think i’m ALL THAT, cuz i dont. i’m terribly insecure at times, though i do realize we all are, and i feel that there are so many areas of my life which are totally chaotic and need more work and attention. i fully accept my shortcomings (and shortleggings) and maybe in part that’s also why i dont date because i dont necessarily want to be reminded of how lame i can really be. i mean if i met the most amazing person tomorrow, i would run away like the wind because i dont want to screw up his life.

otoh, i have certain things that i know i must have in order for anything to work out, and i just really havent met that person yet. i thought i did last year, but i don’t think it was mutual (which apparently is mandatory) and while he had so many of the qualities i thought i wanted, i kind of did my usual run away routine. it’s a vicious cycle i tell ya.

so here i am, 35 almost 36 and even further away from getting married than i was at 25 turning 26. in fact, i was kinda engaged then. so there you have it. regression is fun.

God help my eharmony matches!!! i suppose sending them this blog link is not the best way to market myself… date me and you’ll get to costar on wordpress! woo hoo!

hmmmm i smell a new reality show. i’m sure it’s been done before.