lately I’ve felt like I have absolutely nothing to say. or type for that matter. there are days I feel that everything I say has been said a million times before, everything I’ve thought has been thunked before, every idea and project I undertake has been undertaken before, and what’s it all worth really in the end? that whole “you are not special. you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake” mentality. and you are not your khakis.
I have no delusions of grandeur. I don’t sit around plotting to take over the world. I don’t play elaborate, lengthy rounds of Risk or Diplomacy. I don’t find myself dreaming up ways to become rich, famous, or octomom.
But sometimes, you just want to matter. A lot. And at the end of the day, that’s a good thing.
One thing I’ve been accused of in the past, by people who were less than appreciative, is that I’m ambitious. I’m the kind of person who likes to have 4 or 5 irons in the fire (or whatever that expression is) and be involved in all kinds of things. But I’m also an idea person and once something gets underway and rolling, I want to hand it off to a capable person, and move on.
Problem is no one will ever care about my project the way I do, and even if they do care enough, they may not be capable. Or maybe I just find it hard to let go of things because I feel so intrinsically responsible for its success that I feel I have disappointed myself and others if I do in fact move on to something else. When I’m not involved in something any more, I get a little weepy.
All this to say, that I am trying to get some other irons in the fire but there are things I can’t let go of. And I can’t handle it all. And I’m burning out. And I am totally unsure what to do about it. And I sit around waiting for handwriting on the wall. While I play another round of Axis and Allies.
just kidding.
Wowzers, I’ve been here before. While its not completely congruent, when I started supervising people at work, I had a heck of a time ‘letting go’ of projects and letting people go about it their own way. Its hard because they never do it the way you saw it being done. That doesn’t mean it won’t get done, even done well (or well done if their steaks!), but you gotta let it play out.
Oh, and those folks who not so nicely point out that your ambitious – they do so because you make them feel like they’re not doing enough. I’ve run afoul of this myself, even lost ‘freinds’ because of it. But I don’t think that mean you should stop (I didn’t). I’ll bet you are at your best when your running like that – and the fact that you can’t get started on these new things is why you feel like you have nothing to write.