she who hesitates

When I have an impulse, in the past, I have always just acted on it without too much introspection or calculation.  It’s gotten me,… well, it’s gotten me where I am today. Some good stuff. Some bad stuff. Totally alive and mostly of sound mind.  There has been some fallout, some grief, some pain, some health issues and many other consequences of some of my choices and some of my non-choice-based experiences. How’s that for double-speak :p

All in all though I’ve skated through life thus far and have lived to tell a joke or two about it. In fact, I tried standup briefly – started to take a class.  It wasn’t as fun as it should have been. But maybe I’ll try it again some day. I am working on a crazy old Asian lady shtick.

The point though is that hesitation is good.  Sometimes it’s our subconscious telling us something. Sometimes it’s that still small buried voice of reason and or truth and or our moms and or our dads. I have all those voices going at me at once sometimes, and I had gotten really good at drowning them out.  Mostly with Rage Against the Machine tunes.

But these days, I listen.  I hear the voice and I think, yes, I should close the door and go back to sleep. But no I get up and I turn on the computer and I check my email and I find the answer I was looking for. And I knew the hesitation I felt about a certain situation was completely founded, and soundly. It was what I thought all along, but managed to ignore it for awhile. But I’m learning to listen to my instincts more now than ever before. And not wanting to do something means a lot to me now.  If I’m wondering why – I probably shouldn’t.

Gotta love vague blogs, eh?!

The cool thing is that I feel like I’m growing up.  I feel somewhat vindicated in my actions of late.  There is a certain person who had my heart in a vice and only recently did I realize how much of my energy he took.  And I was so fearful, we both were, of whatever it was we felt. But the hesitation was there and it built up a wall – also sound and quite high – and I can only come to the conclusion it was a matter of us pulling teeth – like braces trying to fit things into place where they just don’t want to go. Unless you’re gonna be a model or a news anchor, what’s really the point?

But the hesitation works both ways. It keeps bad relationships from continuing on, AND good relationships from truly blossoming.  We carry around fears – rejection, disappointment, inabilities, insecurities, etc.  We are afraid to show our hand and we keep our cards close on the table, placing small bets or folding altogether.  When do we go all in?  What are the risks we’re truly willing to take? Is anyone playing for keeps any more?  Can I think of any other poker metaphors? Or should I switch to similes? Nah, I’m tired.